Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Not today
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Monica just destroyed the internet
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Dance like you’re not the father
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.