[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
craving $300 all of a sudden
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side