ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The symmetry is uncanny.