chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh