Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?