I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.