Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
You Might Also Like
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.