Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
You Might Also Like
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄