I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
also my go-to takeaway order
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?