*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: