Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You Might Also Like
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
They say women only use 10% of their anger