6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*