*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999