whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.