I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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My god she’s good.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Close call…
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences