I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
2 years later
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.