Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup