Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
me when i see my girls butt
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*