Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: