Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
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Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I would like even faster food.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..