I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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