OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife