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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face