I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My dog ate my work from home.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.