In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.