ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
6: are snakes just neck?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Just why bro?!