I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
monday
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
We have a winner.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.