saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.