INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.