” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.