Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.