Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Botany good plants lately?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley