I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time