I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
i prefer mine room temperature.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen