FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
You Might Also Like
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow