Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.