Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG