Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”