Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
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“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Cause of death: Zumba
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.