The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
operators are standing by to ignore your call
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.