[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
i want to work in this restaurant
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.