Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!