The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*