No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You Might Also Like
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.