When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
This is a true ally.
😂😂
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles