❒Single
❒Taken
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.