prepare for carbonated trouble
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
What
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?