GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me