ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Said the murderer.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.