FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
You Might Also Like
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
☺️
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him